Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I am tired.

I am tired. So very tired. I get seven to eight hours of sleep every night, yet somehow each morning I can barely drag myself out of bed, I wander through the day in a haze, I fall asleep on the couch after dinner. Ugh. I blame winter, a lack of sunshine, too many sweets, and a pervasive depressive malaise that no amount of Christmas lights seems to dispel.

I can't do much about the winter or the lack of sunshine. Obviously I need to eat better rather than just munching on Christmas noshes, but it's a vicious cycle, isn't it? How do I get the energy to cook something healthy when my brain's too foggy to plan properly and there's an exhaustion in my gut that feels like the rods holding me upright have snapped?

I don't know if that visual makes any sense but it's how I feel. Hollow in the gut; surprised to still be standing or sitting upright.

Just in general I haven't been able to marshal my thoughts long enough to plan anything out or get anything done. My to-do lists aren't getting done because I don't have any to-do lists. Weird.

I need to sit down and make lists and plans of attack and goals and generally get my life in order, but I just don't want to do anything and I don't have the energy to do anything except sit in front of my computer at work and cringe every time someone walks by in case they want me to do something or notice that I haven't really been doing anything. I just barely have enough energy to drive home without letting my car crash into the highway walls and stumble up to my bed or the couch and just lie there, staring at nothing.

I have made approximately three million (well, maybe more like ten) trips to Target (and other stores, but mostly Target) within the last five days because every. time. I go. I forget something I needed to get. I stand in the middle of the aisles for fifteen minutes chasing down my scattered thoughts, trying to make mental checklists I can check off, asking myself if there's anything else I need so I don't need to come back during the craziness that is the week before Christmas...every time I conclude there's nothing else, or I think of one or two things and I grab those...and every time two hours later I realize, oh, I need that and I didn't get it.

Sigh. And it's that vicious cycle thing, not having energy to get stuff done or eat well leads to having less energy because I've been eating junk or being demotivated because nothing's been done. I just see all the decisions that need to be made (to I go to the pet store or the post office today? do I get the brother a WalMart or Target gift card or something else? do I get this Christmas stationery or that one or just some cards?), all these countless little not-really-that-important decisions--and I just refuse to make them. I go and hide on the couch and stare at the tree with it's pretty lights and shiny ornaments and refuse to decide anything.

Things have been done. I've written some pompous little antiphon blog post things. I cleaned the kitchen table and counter and actually am keeping up with the dirty dishes etc. I cleaned off the coffee table last night. I cooked and ate some Swiss chard. I got the dogs' picture taken with Santa. I've gotten and wrapped gifts for parties and made snacks for parties and attended parties.

But I haven't mailed packages to my parents, siblings, and friends. I haven't written or mailed a Christmas letter or Christmas cards or Christmas anythings. I haven't cleaned out the bunny's cage because I haven't gone to the pet store to buy more litter. I haven't made presents for the office (granola, I was thinking granola). I haven't wrapped the DDH's gifts or our roommate's gifts or the in-laws' gifts or or or.

And the thing is I'm not stressed about it, because I don't have the energy to care. And you don't stress about things you don't care about.

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