I am admitting I know nothing about baby gear.

I know I missed my What I Wore Wednesday post yesterday, but--the holiday. Post vacation catch-up at work and home. Excuses excuses. I'll treat you to Vacation Edition next week.

In the meantime: We have actually begun the long-delayed process of figuring out what baby stuff we want to buy or register for.

I am so, so sick of reading reviews for baby stuff. It all blurs together. People love and hate the same product, vehemently. They complain about the same feature over and over again in all the different models--so where's the one that gets the feature right? Apparently the whole thing is just a crapshoot.

Maybe we picked out a crib, maybe a car seat. I thought a stroller, too, but now we're thinking maybe we don't need a stroller right away so are looking at other, non-newborn or travel-system options.

It's so hard to decide what is useful and what is junk and what is absolutely necessary and what will never be used. Obviously it's not like either of us have any idea what life with a baby will be like, so how can we decide what items will help make this life more efficient and pleasant? Everyone has contradicting opinions on the matter, too.

How can you be a good steward of your money--and the money of all the people buying stuff off your baby registry--when you have no freaking idea what you're doing?

(Registries could be a whole 'nother rant, I suppose. Asking for things you want but (often) can't afford but that you somehow expect other people to buy for you. And people get so judgey about the things you ask for on registries. Could everyone who feels obligated to get me a gift just send me a wad of cash instead? I promise I'll set it aside in a special fund and will use it to buy baby things without dealing with the guilt of wondering what you think about the things I want to buy. But asking for money is so terribly tacky. Argh.)

Happily, the DDH and I tend to have similar ideas about the process: try to keep the list of stuff to a minimum, and try to find good quality items of the things you decide to get. To that end, on our Epic Baby Gear Reconnaissance last night, we happily skipped right past mountains of clothing, fluffy blankets, and gaudy, noisy plastic gewgaws, and spent way too much time looking at cribs, car seats, and bassinet-thingies.

Much simpler to buy for.

Things we're looking for:

1. Car seat. A safe one. That can be carried around so that we have that option, not because we necessarily see ourselves leaving T-Rex in it all the time. But let sleeping babies lie, y'know? Anyway, I've heard they won't let you take a baby home from the hospital without one, so I figure it's pretty much The Most Important item to have.

2. Crib. Not so much for the newborn phase but the corraling-a-mobile-baby-who-sleeps-mostly-through-the-night stage. Or whatever else you might need to have a handy baby/toddler cage around for.

3. Something for T-Rex to sleep in in our room for the first several months to a year. We're looking at pack'n'play bassinet things, just bassinet things, side-along sleeper things.

In-bed co-sleeping is simply Not An Option for us for a variety of reasons. Which, considering that I sleep violently and the dogs love sneaking into bed in the middle of the night (though I guess we could lock out of the room), is probably wise.

But I'm also not sticking the Critter in a crib in a room downstairs on the other side of the house. We want him in the room and nearby, convenient to deal with in the middle of the night.

4. Maybe another one of those pack'n'play/bassinet thingies for confining T-Rex in the living areas of the house. I'm certainly not toting the same one up and down those tiny enclosed stairs every day.

Note that as much of the concern is keeping him from getting run over by the dogs (or having Jayne drop his balls on the baby's head) as anything else. Something with a raised changing area would be nice, too, but mostly I want to be able to set him down without him getting trampled by a jealous Beagle or slobbered on by a Lab who doesn't understand why he won't throw the ball.

5. Moby-wrap/ring-sling/fabric carrier and a more structured one that the DDH would be willing to wear. I need to find some somewhere that I can try on, but this seems the most sensible (and cozy and adorable) solution for taking T-Rex out and about in the early months as well as for carting him about the house while I try to do other things. The DDH said he can't be bothered with the weird complicated cloth ones, but he'd wear one that buckles. Especially if it's camo-print. He tried a camo print one on in the store and gave it his stamp of husbandly approval.

6. Breast pump and paraphernalia (bottles, bottle-cleaning brushes, storage bags...I don't even know how these things work). I'll need a good one if I'm going back to work.

7. Cloth diapers and paraphernalia. THERE ARE TOO MANY CHOICES. But I'm determined to at least attempt cloth diapering. The DDH says he doesn't care and the day care we're looking at will use them if we provide them. So. Need a stash of those.

8. Mini high-chair thingy. We found some that will strap to a kitchen chair, including ones that recline for a newborn. I would rather bother with that than a full high chair, and it occurred to us we'll need to set the kid somewhere while we eat.

9. We're debating about a stroller. We don't think we'd use it much until he's a tad older, but if we're going to want one eventually we might as well ask for one now, yes?

10. Oh! A diaper bag. That will round out this list to ten. I don't have any particular requirements for a diaper bag, since it seems they're like purses--you'll collect new ones as they catch your eye or your needs change. I may or may not have a slight obsession with bags--backpacks, purses, tote bags...I just want a diaper bag that's reasonably sized, reasonably attractive, and doesn't cost $180 freaking dollars. Or more.

I sort of feel like other than clothes (and it will be winter so I guess we can't leave him naked all the time) and outlet/cabinet baby-proof locks and blankets and toys and books (all things, other than the baby-proofing stuff, that we're going to be given in spades and/or can buy used), that's mostly it? Oh, also clothes for me, I guess, by which I mean nursing bras/camis/nipple pads or whatever.

Am I crazy? What are we forgetting? Do you have any recommendations for any of this stuff--or for other stuff? What did you find most useful when your kiddos were babies?

I am good enough.

Weekends. They're not always what you hope they'll be.

I often come off long weekends (so rare and far between, since we work a number of holidays when the stock exchange is closed) feeling disappointed. Like I've wasted it, somehow. They seem so rich and full of possibility at the beginning, and when I look back at the end, I never seem to have done as much as I wanted to.

No matter what I do, I'm nagged by that feeling of I-could've-done-it-better.

This happens in all aspects of life. It's why traffic drives me absolutely bonkers--because I have the sneaking suspiscion that if I were only good enough--smart enough, fast enough, clever enough, skilled enough, paying enough attention--I would be able to negotiate my way to smooth sailing.

If I were good enough, I'd always pick the shortest and fastest line at the grocery store.

If I were good enough, I'd pick the best route through traffic, the best lane for each segment of my drive.

If I were good enough, I would have a fresh meal on the table every night, my dogs would never run away, the DDH and I would never fight, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

But I can't be good enough to be any of those things.

Some things I can make active efforts to improve at--like meal planning and communicating kindly with the DDH--because improvement really does lie within my control. That's why I set goals and keep track of them.

But not meeting my goals doesn't mean I'm less of a good person than if I hit all my goals on schedule every time.

Some things I can try to account for--like filling in the dogs' holes with cement sand, or keeping an eye out for little old ladies writing checks at the grocery store, or checking a traffic report for construction--but are ultimately out of my control. I can't pave the entire backyard or cut off the dogs' digging paws or account for the stealth check-writers or sudden traffic accidents.

Except there is always something I could do. I could pave the backyard (or get rid of the dogs entirely, since they obviously don't want to live here anyway*). I could do all my grocery shopping online and end the tyranny of check-writers and price-checkers forever. I could refuse to leave the house (or at least refuse to drive) and thus never get stuck in traffic.

I'm stuck in frustrating situations because I choose to put myself there. Maybe that's where the feeling of not being good enough comes from, the acknowledgement that ultimately it is my choice (and thus my failure?) for being in the situation in the first place.

But when I look at the alternatives as being, not having chosen the shorter line, but having chosen to forego all grocery stores forever, I realize how ridiculous I'm being. I realize that beating yourself up over choosing the wrong lane of traffic is a silly way to live.

(The fact that if Tulsa's city planners had just done common sense things like include center turn lanes in their stupid roads, so many of my frustrations would evaporate, is another post entirely.)

I am good enough that a few extra minutes in line won't kill me.

I am good enough that I can be patient in traffic (and note to self: being impatient really could kill me).

I am good enough to set wise goals, to work on them, to fail and learn and try again and sometimes, to give up.

More importantly, I am not in any way and never will be good enough to control everything.

I'm not in control. I never was, and never will be, and figuring out the balance between personal agency (doing things) and personal subjecthood (having things happen to me) is, perhaps, the key struggle for this INTJ. They don't call us Masterminds for nothing.

I'm not in control. But I am good enough.

And for Pete's sake, it's time to stop raising my blood pressure over the dratted traffic four times a day.

The fewer cars, the better.

What makes you feel inadequate? And how do you remind yourself that frustrations are not personal failures or character flaws?

*Not really.

I am growing our food.

Some of it, anyway.

A few weekends ago I decided that, February or no February, this weird warm winter meant it was time to plant some things.

I've gone about things all backwards. Though I planted a bunch of cool-weather seeds outside, I have yet to start my indoor transplants--which should have been done in the middle of February, except that it was so nice out in the middle of February that I did all the outdoor stuff instead.

C'est la vie.

So! Without further ado, here's what's going on in the garden:

False advertising.

Let me start with this picture of the garden from last spring. Lovely, no? Let's pretend it still looks that way and that weeds didn't grow straight through the weedcloth under the rocks and that the dogs didn't chew through my irrigation hoses. Mmkay?

Layers of expansion.

A space about as big as the garden itself in front of the garden has been covered in cardboard, soil, compost, leaves, rabbit litter, and a big ol' black tarp. In the next month or so we'll fence it in, hopefully do the gravel path deal, and presto! doubled our "acreage."

Lots of crops do well in cooler weather and can tolerate cold temperatures and even a light frost. These include cabbage, kale, broccoli, lettuces, chard, peas, and carrots. Some, such as kale, even get a flavor-benefit if you let them get a bit frosty. Some of these do better when directly seeded (as opposed to being started as transplants) than others.

Chard seeds.

So far, I've planted three kinds of lettuce, five-color Swiss chard, one row of kale (it's recommended that you start this as transplants, but I figured it was worth a shot), carrots, and peas.

After about three weeks, here's how they're doing:

A row of Forellenschluss lettuce.

Baby chard.

Nascent kale.

Carrots (bottom center).

A pea plant.

I am thrilled that my pea plants are looking so lovely, as I've never tried growing them before.

All three kinds of lettuce are sprouting; the Forellenschluss seems to be doing the best so far.

The chard and the kale are growing encouragingly well.

Really the only disappointment is the carrots. Last year I planted ollllld carrot seed as an afterthought in a corner of the garden when I was getting impatient but it was too cold and wet to really plant anything out. They grew like gangbusters and Meg enjoyed the bounty for the next almost nine months:

Some were as big as she was.

This year, those two tiny tiny sprouts pictured above are it. After three weeks! And this was brand new seed. I'm disappointed, but I'm not sure what the problem is. My guesses are either not enough water or being planted in rabbit litter (last year I planted them directly in our very clay soil). The litter compacted when water more tightly than expected, and I wonder if the carrots are too small and weak to break free, or if maybe enough light isn't reaching them.

But since I used my entire packet of carrot seed (grumble), I'll have to buy more if I want to try again. So I'm hoping I just need to be patient.

And then there's these beauties:

Bad angle on those pictures; they look smaller than they are. But those are my two plots of garlic that I planted back in November. They've been growing all winter. At this point I can snip off some of the greens to use in cooking, and by the time the tops die down in, oh, July, I'll be re-stocked on delicious homegrown garlic. I used the last of it a few weeks ago and store garlic is just not the same.

I also have these little volunteer garlics growing:

They've sprung up from heads I must have missed harvesting last year. It's unlikely they will develop good quality bulbs, but the greens are good eating and I'll probably harvest them for the young garlic bulbs later this spring.

Do you keep a garden, vegetable, flower, or mineral (rock gardens totally count)? Do you have an outdoor space or do you do containers? What foods do you like to grow?

The Roommate is a genius.

Do you have any green onions rotting in your vegetable crisper?

Do this with them instead.

Notice how it's gray and raining in the background of the picture?

It's cold, too. But I guess I can't complain after this insanely mild winter. And the garden is enjoying a nice soak.

Garden post coming soon, promise!

I am cleaning up.

Slowly but surely.

You know how I mentioned in my blog post that one of my goals for the year was to clean out the craft room so it was functional?

Did you ever maybe wonder why I thought that might take a year?

I'm about to share a big deep dark secret with you, guys.

The DDH and I (now +The Roommate) have a five-bedroom house (the DDH used to rent the rooms to college students). And the front corner bedroom, with the two big south- and west-facing windows and the deep(ish) closet I claimed for my craft room. I had a big table to spread out on and drawers filled with scrapbooking supplies, paint, ribbon: the usual sort of DIY-crafty type suspects. I even used it for its intended purpose for about six months.

But now?

This is what the craft room looks like:

Yeah.

And let me point out, I had already spent probably three or four hours cumulatively in there cleaning over the past few months.

It used to be worse.

At one time this was a useful and even organized room.

But then my parents brought some drawers filled with my stuff from high school.

Then they brought a half dozen giant boxes of random stuff.

Then they brought a few more.

And then my mother-in-law gave us a pile of furniture that will all, eventually, be useful and store the supplies that I end up keeping.

And then The Roommate moved in and I had to hastily move all the boxes stored in the guest room into the craft room.

Now I have to sort through my entire life from elementary school onward. Pounds and pounds of school papers and cards and notes from friends and trinkets and presents and toys and just everything.

And in the meantime meantime, I keep collecting more DIY crafty-type supplies: empty jars and containers and old t-shirts and cloth scraps and ribbons and what have you, and I can't even get to the drawers where I would eventually like to store them in neatly organized bliss.

Bit by bit it's coming together. Any time I have a few moments I'll set the timer for fifteen minutes and just work. The place has good bones now, with drawers and shelves and places to store and organize the stuff I packrat away. The giant overstuffed black trashbag you can see in the pictures has been dragged to the curb and another big box is already half-filled with things to toss. So we're getting there.

But yeah. It will probably take all year.

Reality Bites at Reality Chef

I know it's an internet phenomenon, to complain about how un-real our internet personas are.

I hear people complaining about it--how they get depressed because everyone's life seems better than theirs when seen through glowing status updates. I myself am prone to shameful raging fits of envy when I see other people's beautifully decorated houses (and then those people complain about them, ugh!), their seamlessly organized and totally fulfilling lives.

Exhibit A: This used to be the view from my bedroom window.
When I lived in Freiburg, Germany.

It seems to be all the blogosphere rage to insist you and your blog will "keep it real," that you're "all real," but all the while we post a carefully edited presentation of our lives. Even our troubles can be giftwrapped and prettied up to seem artfully tragic.

I hate that.

I mean, I am the Number One Fan of the curated personality presentation. I don't mind people presenting me the Best Bits version of their lives--that's more or less what I'm presenting you. I like a juicy secret and I like to know that your lives really aren't perfect, but people go to the internet for the same reason they go to the movies or watch television or read books: for entertainment.*

And mundanity is anything but entertaining.

That's why no one loves the friend who tweets every day's tiniest event: Woke up, had coffee. Heading off to work, blah. Think I'll get Chipotle for lunch. Stuck in traffic and found some spinach in my teeth.

Yawn.

Somewhere, though, there's a balance. There's a balance between the kind of real that tells you what time I brush my teeth every day (right before bed. Yeah, just once a day, don't tell my dentist) and the kind of editing that makes you think I eat nothing but free-range meat and homegrown produce cooked in my four-star kitchen (I wish) to exacting standards for my Hollister-model husband and my 2.5 kids.

Somewhere in there is the version of life that's entertaining without making you (too terribly) jealous. A version of life that's relateable. A version of life--of self--that is a friend.

I've got a series in mind for this little blog, but I'm starting with Reality Chef, because I named the damn thing with this whole concept in mind yet lately have been only posting recipes and meals that make me look good like a skinny-bitch Paula Deen with a smitten kitchen chaser.

Every day from now until Easter (so basically for Lent), I'm going to post what I had for dinner. Sometimes, and in keeping with my New Year's goals hopefully at least three times a week, this will be a recipe that you might want to try. But maybe more often than I'd like, it's going to be leftovers or fast food or whatever reality meal Americans eat these days.

I won't be posting all of these here, because that could be totally boring. I'll just link to the recipe ones the way I've been doing. But if you're curious, keep an eye on the food blog for a taste of reality. Hopefully, it will encourage you and show you that real food lifestyles are doable, without overwhelming you with the impossibility of living them perfectly.

'Cause heaven knows that I'm not perfect, and Day 1's dinner proves it.

*Ok, so that's drastically oversimplified. REALLY mostly people go to the internet to Google stuff on Wikipedia. Also for porn. And to nurture human relationships or buy stuff on Amazon or whatever. But entertainment is certainly a primary purpose. No, I'm not linking to porn with that link, geez, but to the Avenue Q song.

I am dressed (don't ask much more of me)!

Mostly this week has been very boring, clothes-wise, but here's what I wore Sunday, a tank-top dress over a long-sleeved shirt, with tights and boots:

Bonus dog-butt in the picture.

I liked it. I love this dress in the summer--it's knit and comfortable and cool. It was nice to wear it over a shirt and not to have to worry about it gaping and showing off the girls too much.

That's my perennial problem with tops: If they're long enough and fit through the middle, they are made for much more...well-endowed women than I. Other women have problems with their busts popping out of too-small tops. I have a problem where the tops just gape open because there's not enough to fill them.

Sigh.

Anyway. I love this look on other people, but I'm not sure it does me a lot of favors. I would ask your opinion if I could actually be bothered to take better photos, but so far the phone camera and the dusty mirror are it (I lack a tripod and also the motivation to ever upload pictures from my normal camera).

I could, I suppose, at least dust the mirror.

Anyway. On Anne at The Modern Mrs. Darcy's recommendation, I recently bought Tiny Twig's e-book The No-Brainer Wardrobe. I've been scanning through it and I'm excited to actually whip my wardrobe into shape and put together some nice outfits and and and.

BUT.

I think I'm trying to do too much. I've been cooking like a fifties housewife, doggedly cleaning and organizing the house every day, working out four to five times a week, reading two books a week, at some point still going to work and choir practices and meetings, and it seems like I never get around to the gardening tasks I need to be doing if I'm going to justify the fact that I spent eighty dollars on seeds and another seventy-five on supplies, not to mention an hour expanding the darn thing, and the prospect of fencing in the new bit looms large.

I am trying to clean and organize my trainwreck of a house, have a magnificent vegetable garden, cook every meal from scratch, and figure out a polished and shiny-fun wardrobe?

It's just not going to happen.

Not all at once, anyway.

And I've actually been pretty good about chopping things down into little pieces and just doing a tiny bit every day (yesterday I cleaned my microwave! And the day before that, the range hood!), but I've added too much to the to-do list and a) it's getting overwhelming and b) one of my Major Important Goals for the year (the garden) is getting neglected.

All that to say, I'll keep trying to hit my goal of one nifty outfit a week, and I'll keep trying to cook at least three meals a week, and I'll keep trying to work fifteen minutes on the house every day...but hopefully you'll be seeing some gardening progress posts soon, and those tasks need to come before the fun fashion stuff.

Ugh. Being a grownup is hard.

Also I have a miserable chest cold and my lungs feel like they're on fire and I would be tempted to see a doctor about that if I had $25 and a boss who would let me off work. Oh well. Hot tea FTW.

I am cooking up a storm: Bacon and Egg Tarts

The DDH revolted against my healthy dinner plan on Tuesday, and we ended up with these.

Bacon and Egg Tarts

I mention this briefly in the recipe post, but I'll note at a bit more length here: This is, for all its seeming unhealthiness and whatever sort of vibe you get from something consisting entirely of bread, eggs, and bacon, a very local meal.

I made the bread myself, with wheat from a local farm and butter from a local dairy. The eggs came from one of the DDH's coworkers. The milk and bacon came from a dairy and farm in the area.

Only the cheese (and the other ingredients in the bread: sugar, salt, yeast) came from a store. Something has to give in our food budget, and we eat far too much cheese at this point in our life (nachos being our standby I-don't-feel-like-cooking meal), and the local cheese selections are so limited, that we still get Sam's Club cheese.

Given that Oklahoma is such an agricultural state, sometimes I'm surprised at how limited our local food opitons can be. We don't have a year-round farmer's market, for instance.

But the options are there.

We have an every-other-week online order food pickup in the winter, from which we get all that dairy and the eggs (usually; this is the first time we've had coworker-eggs) and bacon.

We have a local butcher/rancher from whom we get most of our meat.

And during the growing season we have several different markets from which I get all of our produce that I don't grow myself.

A lot of this food is more expensive than conventional supermarket versions (in-season produce often being the exception), though not necessarily more expensive than all-natural or organic supermarket versions. We eat less meat than when I bought it all at Sam's Club, and as I said, we still get our main cheese there because it's so expensive otherwise.

And while I firmly believe in the principles of supporting local businesses and responsible farming and ranching practices, I totally understand not being able to afford those things. I've been there. Trust me.

But there's usually something you can do, if those values are important to you.

Growing your own produce is cheap and possible even for most apartment dwellers.

Maybe you pick one item that matters the most--eggs, or milk, or meat--and make an effort to buy that one item locally.

It makes a difference.

And when you're able to make an entire meal and think, not only did I make this for my family with my own two hands, but I have met, personally, all of the people involved in producing this food--well, that's a wonderful feeling.

I know this comes across as a self-righteous or look-how-awesome-I-am feeling, but that's not what I mean. It's just a feeling of belonging to a community, of being an active participant in a system rather than a passive one, of taking charge of what is an integral part of all our lives: food.

We all have to eat. Let's make what we eat good, in as many senses of the word as we can.

I am cooking up a storm: Caramel Corn

Are you already wondering what to make for dessert tonight?

Are you thinking, "I really can't justify making a dessert tonight because it's January and resolutions blah blah weight loss blah blah diet blah"?

Stop being silly and go make some caramel corn.

I am dressed (don't ask much more of me)!

For something different, here's a pants outfit that I actually rather liked.  

I think I mentioned that I have two pairs of black slacks and two pairs of gray. Here's one of the gray (not that you can really tell), with a blue blouse and a navy cardigan (both of which I got with mad sale/couponing skillZ at Old Navy) and my nifty long necklace.

You can't tell in the first picture but the blouse is actually a pattern. It's also an actual blouse and not just a t-shirt. I liked it enough to buy two, this blue-on-blue one and a black-and-white one.

Black and white version. Ignore the fact that this
is the most unflattering picture ever.

I didn't get any pictures of my skirt outfits ONCE AGAIN. Nor did I take a picture of the dress I wore yesterday. SIGH. Photodocumenting fail. Still, I am managing to keep that little mini-resolution, which is nice.

I like the cardigan/blouse outfit. It felt put-together and like an actual outfit instead of just clothing. Yay. The big necklace is fun, too, though it gets in the way sometimes.

Anyway, as you can see from the background of the first picture, this is from last Wednesday, when Babydog Beagle was sick (the giant crate in the background). I missed out on a lot of sleep Tuesday night and was bleary-eyed and running late Wednesday morning.

This could have been--and would have been, in the past--a terrible clothing day. BUT as part of my new organizational routine, I decide what clothing I'm going to wear the night before, which meant I already had the outfit, including jewelry, all picked out and ready to go. I know it's trite, but that has made such a big difference. It really helped me keep a positive outlook all that worrisome day.

In Other News:

My church workout classes officially begin today. This is good, because Zumba last night about killed me, and before my Christmas relaxation break I had been getting pretty peppy about that Zumba. I'm excited for that, though not for the pain I will probably be feeling tomorrow.

Choir practice also begins and kids, I just cannot shake this stupid voice issue. I guess it was adrenaline that got me through the Messiah, because it came right back and I croaked most embarrassingly through our Christmas program. I fear that I might need to look into food allergies or something, but since I suspect this will mean giving up cheese and ice cream I am incredibly hesitant. I don't know what else could be causing this sort of long-term slime in my throat, though.

Babydog Beagle seems all better and is greatly enjoying being fed giant amounts of food to fatten her up. Her crate is still upstairs and Labbydor has been enjoying having the door to that room open so he can sleep on the human bed all day. Yes, I know, I'm a terribly interesting person with all my dog stories, aren't I? ;-)

I am cooking up a storm: Granola bars.

Another food post today over at Reality Chef (my old food blog that is being revived by my penchant for posting food pictures on Facebook).

Do you spend way too much money on essential snacky foods like granola bars?

Yeah, stop that.

Bon appetit.

I am adrift.

Merry Christmas!

Even though I'm back at work today, it's still Christmas, and will be until Epiphany on January 6. The lights and decorations and carols get to stay for nine more days. Yay!

Anyway, I did have a very nice Christmas Eve and first day of Christmas. Spent time with the DDH and his family; got a vacuum cleaner and some other stuff. People seemed to like the gifts I got them. Talked on the phone with mi familia. The sister texted that she wished I were there (also that they were all sitting around tipsily discussing me vomiting). Still have to mail packages back to the 'burque and to a friend in Ghana. But still. Good.

I think I have pinpointed why (or one reason, anyway) Advent didn't feel very Christmassy this year. Maybe this is a completely obvious statement, but it was the first year since I was three that neither I nor my husband were in school.

I mean, yes, I graduated from college almost four years ago now, but the DDH has still been in law school all this time. So even though I wasn't in school, the rhythm of fall semester/holidays/spring semester/summer break still affected my life. He still got crazy during finals and had extra free time during the breaks, and that changed my routines, too.

But this year...it was just work. For both of us. Working away right up until Friday, then a three-day weekend, and now back at work (well, he's off today, too, but he'll go back tomorrow).

I've never lived in Ordinary Time before. The seasons of elementary, middle, and high school, then college, then husband-in-law school are all special times with their own special traditions and routines, like holiday times in the church year. But this after-we're-done-with-school, before-we-have-school-aged-children time is weird. Anchorless. Featureless. The same workday after workday, week after week, month after month.

Maybe this is why I've been feeling restless lately, like I'm drifting aimlessly. I'm not working toward those short-term goals anymore. You know? Pass this test, pass this class, enjoy this break, now the next class with its own tests and projects and essays, get to this graduation and then that degree, and fill in the everyday-life stuff around those concrete little goals.

Now the everyday-life stuff is all I've got. And it's all so cyclical, so repetitive, with no sense of accomplishment and no sense of movement toward anything. All my days slip away and I've done nothing with them.

That needs to change. I'm just not sure how. What do you do with your life when you don't have anything to do with your life?

Sigh. First world problems, I know.

I am sick.

Look! The sun!

Blargh! My mood was lifted yesterday by:

1. A brief bout of sunshine.
2. Accomplishful shopping (bunny litter, present for brother, cocoa powder, dog treats, wine).
3. Lovely chat time with a good friend.
4. Oatmeal-parmesan crusted chicken tenders and homemade honey mustard sauce (plus frozen veggies; real homemade food FTW).
5. Bonus that the food was lovingly made from scratch by the DDH (I did the dishes).
6. Wine.
7. An episode of Grimm.
8. YouTube videos.

But I woke up this morning with a miserably sore throat, and now I'm hacking and coughing and blowing my nose and generally obviously Have A Cold.

And I'm all out of Throat Coat tea. Sadness.

And the church choir's Christmas performance is tonight. Double sadness.

Here's to a miraculous recovery during the workday. Sigh. I'm never sick, and here's two bad colds within a couple weeks of each other.

I thought I had taken pictures of at least one of the various outfits I wore this past week, but apparently not. Rest assured that I am continuing to meet my goal of wearing something fun at least once a week. Because I know you were very concerned about that.

So instead I'll leave you with a picture of last night's dinner. Noms.

I am tired.

I am tired. So very tired. I get seven to eight hours of sleep every night, yet somehow each morning I can barely drag myself out of bed, I wander through the day in a haze, I fall asleep on the couch after dinner. Ugh. I blame winter, a lack of sunshine, too many sweets, and a pervasive depressive malaise that no amount of Christmas lights seems to dispel.

I can't do much about the winter or the lack of sunshine. Obviously I need to eat better rather than just munching on Christmas noshes, but it's a vicious cycle, isn't it? How do I get the energy to cook something healthy when my brain's too foggy to plan properly and there's an exhaustion in my gut that feels like the rods holding me upright have snapped?

I don't know if that visual makes any sense but it's how I feel. Hollow in the gut; surprised to still be standing or sitting upright.

Just in general I haven't been able to marshal my thoughts long enough to plan anything out or get anything done. My to-do lists aren't getting done because I don't have any to-do lists. Weird.

I need to sit down and make lists and plans of attack and goals and generally get my life in order, but I just don't want to do anything and I don't have the energy to do anything except sit in front of my computer at work and cringe every time someone walks by in case they want me to do something or notice that I haven't really been doing anything. I just barely have enough energy to drive home without letting my car crash into the highway walls and stumble up to my bed or the couch and just lie there, staring at nothing.

I have made approximately three million (well, maybe more like ten) trips to Target (and other stores, but mostly Target) within the last five days because every. time. I go. I forget something I needed to get. I stand in the middle of the aisles for fifteen minutes chasing down my scattered thoughts, trying to make mental checklists I can check off, asking myself if there's anything else I need so I don't need to come back during the craziness that is the week before Christmas...every time I conclude there's nothing else, or I think of one or two things and I grab those...and every time two hours later I realize, oh, I need that and I didn't get it.

Sigh. And it's that vicious cycle thing, not having energy to get stuff done or eat well leads to having less energy because I've been eating junk or being demotivated because nothing's been done. I just see all the decisions that need to be made (to I go to the pet store or the post office today? do I get the brother a WalMart or Target gift card or something else? do I get this Christmas stationery or that one or just some cards?), all these countless little not-really-that-important decisions--and I just refuse to make them. I go and hide on the couch and stare at the tree with it's pretty lights and shiny ornaments and refuse to decide anything.

Things have been done. I've written some pompous little antiphon blog post things. I cleaned the kitchen table and counter and actually am keeping up with the dirty dishes etc. I cleaned off the coffee table last night. I cooked and ate some Swiss chard. I got the dogs' picture taken with Santa. I've gotten and wrapped gifts for parties and made snacks for parties and attended parties.

But I haven't mailed packages to my parents, siblings, and friends. I haven't written or mailed a Christmas letter or Christmas cards or Christmas anythings. I haven't cleaned out the bunny's cage because I haven't gone to the pet store to buy more litter. I haven't made presents for the office (granola, I was thinking granola). I haven't wrapped the DDH's gifts or our roommate's gifts or the in-laws' gifts or or or.

And the thing is I'm not stressed about it, because I don't have the energy to care. And you don't stress about things you don't care about.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high.

An antiphon is a short sentence sung or chanted before the psalm or canticle in certain liturgical traditions. The seven "O Antiphons" date back to the ancient Church and are used to celebrate the final seven days of Advent, the last week before Christmas. Each O Antiphon is a name of Christ or one of his attributes described in Scripture. You probably recognize them as from the verses of the popular Christmas hymn "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel."

O Sapientia, quae ex ore Altissimi prodiisti,

attingens a fine usque ad finem,

fortiter suaviterque disponens omnia:

veni ad docendum nos viam prudentiae.

O Wisdom, coming forth from the mouth of the Most High,

reaching from one end to the other mightily,

and sweetly ordering all things:

Come and teach us the way of prudence.

"The spirit of the Lord shall rest on him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord. His delight shall be in the fear of the Lord." --Isaiah 11:2-3

"[...] he is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in wisdom." --Isaiah 28:29

This prophecy is also relevant in that it describes the Messiah as "coming forth from the mouth of the Most High," which is very significant in light of the Christian doctrine, rooted in the first chapter of the Gospel of John, according to which Jesus Christ, the Messiah, is the Incarnate Word of God the Father. (Wikipedia)

Wisdom.

I have made something of a career out of being smart. I was a straight-A student even through college (two B's in my entire college career, both in German), and my job requires me to have a breadth of knowledge and skills.

My dad always liked to remind me, though, that intelligence is not the same thing as wisdom. And while they're not mutually exclusive, having one doesn't guarantee having the other, either, as anyone with an intelligent teenager can tell you.

I don't know if I can speak to wisdom. It's something you're supposed to acquire as you age, yet that also comes "out of the mouths of babes." Being neither old nor a child at this point in my life, perhaps I'm disqualified to speak on the topic.

But here's what I've got. The wisdom of Christmas is knowing your limits.

A wise approach to the Advent season is not (necessarily) stepping back, slowing down, doing less. But it's also not (necessarily) jumping in feet first, gung-ho, stressing over a huge production.

It's knowing which moments call for jumping up and down, baking piles of cookies, laughing and shouting and feeling that exuberant Christmas joy.

And it's knowing which moments call you to sit and, like Mary, ponder, to not stress over your unfinished to-do list, to savor the solemnity of this season of waiting.

I like this definition of the word prudence, which shows up in today's antiphon:

Provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.

Come and teach us the way of prudence. Teach us to manage our resources--our time, our talents, our treasure, all that we have--carefully, with provision for the future.

It's a good lesson for Christmas time: in this week leading up to The Big Day, let us manage our resources remembering that December 25 is only the first day of Christmas. Let us manage our time, money, and emotional and physical energy so that we will have sufficient supplies of them even after Christmas. Let us manage our resources so we can continue to live intentionally and with that Christmas spirit for all twelve days of Christmas and into the new year.

Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,

Who ordered all things mightily;

To us the path of knowledge show,

and teach us in her ways to go.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to you, O Israel!

I am going doggone green.

Linking up with Megan at SortaCrunchy and some other wonderful bloggers for "Your Green Resource."



"Going Green" is a marketing catchphrase applied to a broad spectrum of actions. You can "go green" by buying $20 bottles of "natural" cleaners or by using $1.50/gallon white vinegar. You can buy designer clothing made from organic cotton or "recycled" clothing from the thrift store. You can buy carbon credits to "offset" the effects of your transatlantic jet flight or ride your bike to work every day, and all of you can pat yourself on the back for "saving the planet." (Quotation mark abuse, much?)

Most of us, though, seem to take a common sense, flexible, and yes, frugal approach to this whole green lifestyle thing. And if you're "greening" your human life, it makes sense to green up your critter life while you're at it.

Bunnies are friends, not food.

Pets are not little people in furry suits. Each kind of animal has its own requirements and specifications. What is best for humans is not necessarily what is best for pets.

However! A lot of practices that are good for humans, like limiting your exposure to certain chemicals and eating real foods, are good for pets. I only own/have owned dogs and various small mammals (rabbits, rats, guinea pigs), so I only address their concerns here. I know nothing about cats, birds, or reptiles/amphibians, so feel free to add your own tips in the comments!

Going Doggone Green

Evaluate your pet's diet.

The most important factor in your pet's health is his diet. Now, if things like free-range and organic are important to you in human food, you can make them important in your pet food as well. But let me tell you something. Organic, free-range, etc. commercial pet foods are expensive as hell. Maybe that's not a big deal if you're Paris Hilton and her three-pound Chihuahua. But if you're an average middle-class family with an eighty-pound Labrador, you would need to take out a second mortgage to buy that kind of chow. If these sorts of considerations are non-negotiable for you, don't have a big carnivorous pet. Get a rabbit or a guinea pig or something.

Dogs:

I could write a whole post on dog food. There's a huge range of options, depending on how much time and money you want to invest, from feeding him BARF (Bones And Raw Food) to making your own dog food to using dehydrated dog food mixes to a whole range of commercial foods. I'll just say two things here:

1. Changing your dog's food can fix some of his minor and even not-so-minor health problems. Stop feeding him corn and cardboard and start feeding him something made of meat and grains he's less likely to be allergic to. Sites like http://www.dogfoodanalysis.com/ give great in-depth reviews that help you evaluate foods based on the criteria that are important to you.
2. Check out a feed store or local pet store for dog food and supplies, rather than the mega-chains like PetSmart. A lot of excellent food manufacturers won't sell to the big chains, and pet food especially is often cheaper at these stores.

Small Mammals:

My rabbit eats a plain pellet food made from timothy hay (I originally said this food was organic, but when I double-checked my new bag, I noticed it no longer says pesticide-free. I guess they changed it and I'll have to find a new one), timothy hay from the WalMart of the pet food world, Kaytee, and mostly-organic and/or homegrown veggies. I try to limit her pesticide exposure, but hay is freaking expensive. Small mammals should eat:

1. A pellet food formulated for their species (you can't feed a rabbit guinea pig food and vice versa) and get lots of fresh fruits and veggies.
2. Hay is important for many small mammals to aid in their digestive systems (fiber, y'know).
3. Fruits and veggies. Check out a list of foods commonly toxic to your animal and those ok for it to eat; this will vary some. Guinea pigs are like furry garbage disposals and can pretty much eat any of your plant trimmings; rabbits are a little pickier.

Choose Pet Supplies Wisely

Stainless steel and ceramic/glass are best for pet dishes just as they are for human dishes. Besides whatever chemical/petroleum/BPA concerns you may have with plastic, plastic dishes harbor bacteria and mold, are harder to clean, wear out more quickly, and are more easily destroyed by anything that chews (Labradors, rabbits, toddlers, etc.). You can get stainless and ceramic bowls in all sorts of cute colors and designs, or you can buy ueber-cheap plain ones. Perhaps you even have some old people bowls or buckets lying around that will make excellent food and water receptacles for your pawed friends: recycling bonus!

For leashes and collars, I prefer leather. I guess if you are a veg*n type person, you maybe wouldn't. But leather is much easier on the hands than nylon (which, after all, is another plastic), looks nice, and wears well. Trust me, if you have a dog that pulls, your hands will appreciate a leather leash! Leashes, collars, and choke chains (the collars you use for walking most dogs; this will depend on your breed!) are all commonly available from Made in the USA manufacturers. There are also all kinds of recycled/reused/plant-based-type leashes and collars available, made out of everything from hemp to used tires. Go to a pet store and buy basically anything but the made-in-China nylon nonsense and you'll probably be okay.

Jayne and his Kong.

As for toys, you may remember the 2007 recalls of a bunch of Chinese-manufactured pet toys due to high levels of lead and other toxins found in the toys. Look for toys made in the USA just to be safe. You have two routes you can go with dog toys, depending on your dog's personality and/or jaw strength.

1. You can look for toys made with sustainable or recycled materials.
2. You can look for toys that will last for-freaking-ever regardless of what they're made of.

The Labrador owns a Kong Extreme and a Kong Extreme ball, which are rubber toys (made in the USA) that are well-nigh indestructable. Seriously, he can defuzz and crush a tennis ball in less than ninety seconds, but he has had this Kong for almost a year and there are no signs of wear. We don't buy fancy Kong stuff to stuff the Kong with; I just shove his normal treats and peanut butter in there. I like to stick it in the freezer overnight so it takes him longer to get it out. The Beagle doesn't like toys.

The rabbit has a knotty wood thing and also gets paper towel/toilet paper tubes to shred. She is quite the interior decorator and will build statues out of the stuff we give her.

Treats

There are possibly even more options for treats than there are for food!

Dogs:

I usually buy grain-free treats for the dogs that they get each morning and when I come home for lunch. Wellness makes some good ones that are reasonably priced at my local pet store. The dogs also usually get the innards from any whole bird I cook (bonus if it's still got the neck). Sometimes I'll buy them cheap meats for a treat, too: chicken necks, organ meats, etc.

Note: RAW poultry bones are fine for dogs. They are pliable and digestable. COOKED poultry bones should never be fed to your dog, as they can splinter and puncture his intestine.

Chewing is great for your dog's dental health, and of course you want to direct his chewing energy to something other than your couch and shoes! Those big "bone-shaped" rawhides that you see are not really a good idea, as the rawhide can become impacted in the dog's intestines and generally cause digestive issues. Instead, choose:

1. Real bones are always good (and the dogs will love love love them); they're about the most "natural" option around--what do you think wild dogs eat?
2. Our dogs enjoy the occasional pig's ear, but these can cause digestive issues as well. They should be reserved for an occasional treat, and if your dog has a bad...experience...don't give him one again.
3. Bully sticks (aka bull's penises) are an excellent choice if you can afford them; they don't last very long if you have a determined chewer, though.
4. The best thing I've found for the Labrador actually is an antler. Our local pet store sells elk antlers in various sizes. Because they're not hollow and marrow-filled like bones, they last longer (it usually takes him a week or two to work through a good one, as opposed to a day for a similarly-sized bone), and he loves them.

The Beagle doesn't really understand chewing and will pretty much only take something to make the Labrador jealous.

Small mammals:

Small mammals should receive pretty much exclusively fruits and vegetables as treats: they love them and they're good for them. The commercial bunny etc. treats sold in pet stores are filled with sugar and often other questionable ingredients. Find a list of toxic foods to avoid and have fun experimenting with everything else! Meg loves cilantro and apples, and also happily eats chard and other winter greens as well as carrots, pumpkin, and various herbs.

If you have ever owned a small mammal, you know that they will chew pretty much anything and everything. Make sure everything within mouth reach is nontoxic. Untreated wooden toys made out of a non-toxic wood, whether made for animals or humans, are excellent choices, as are cardboard tubes.

Supplements

If you have a dog with dry, flaky skin or who scratches a lot, try 1) switching him to a corn-free, soy-free food and 2) giving him fish oil. You can get special dog fish oil and liquid fish oil to squirt on his food or, honestly, depending on his size, you can give him the same fish oil capsules you take. Both Beagle and Labrador get one of these each morning; when we first got Labrador and he was having some skin issues, he got two a day. For reference, they weigh twenty-five and seventy-five pounds, respectively.

Labrador also has joint issues, and supplementing him with glucosamine has really helped. I do notice a difference in his movement if I stop giving it to him for awhile. He gets one tablet a day, same as I do. I put peanut butter on their pills and they eat them right up.

My rule for supplements: I find the similar product in the health aisle of my pet store and compare it to my human version. If they have roughly the same amount of the same active ingredient, I feed the dogs the much cheaper human version. I AM TOTALLY NOT A VET THOUGH, and you should consult yours before doing any such thing.

Cleaning the Animal

Dogs:

Frequent baths are not good for your dog's skin! He builds up a layer of oils that help protect him. Honestly, unless the dog rolls around in a dead skunk or something, you probably do not need to wash him more than once every two or three months. When you do, look for a gentle shampoo specifically for dogs (cat person warning: do NOT use dog shampoos on cats!). Their skin is completely different from humans' (has a different pH) and very sensitive.

Dogs, really, are sort of like babies: delicate and sensitive to all kinds of things, and they put everything in their mouths, so avoid essential oils. Diluted vinegar will work, as will heavily diluted castile soap. Otherwise, look for a gentle, unscented commercial product--dogs have a much more sensitive nose than humans, and that juicy shampoo that smells so delicious to you is overwhelming to him. If you have a homemade soap routine that you use, make sure to research all of the ingredients and their suitability for use on animals.

Small mammals:

Do not need to be bathed. It's actually bad for them and can lead to respiratory infections. Some animals have special requirements; chinchillas, for example, need to take dust baths in special volcanic rock powder. If your other small mammal somehow gets really dirty, wipe it off with a damp cloth and make sure to keep it warm until it is completely dry. Don't use soap. The animal will eat the soap residue when it washes itself and get sick! If you absolutely must, get a special small mammal or cat shampoo (NOT dog shampoo). In fifteen+ years of owning rabbits, both indoor and outdoor, I have never needed to give one a bath.

Cleaning the House:

Dogs and small mammals, like toddlers, explore the world through their mouths. They lick that carpet and chew on the couch and generally are closer to a lot of surfaces than adult humans. They'll appreciate it if you use natural cleaners in their areas. I use vinegar and baking soda to clean the rabbit cage; most of my household cleaners pretty much involve vinegar, also.

For pet messes, an enzyme cleaner such as Nature's Miracle will help break down the fats in the urine that a) make everything stink and b) tell the dog, hey! dude! this is a good place to pee! you should totally pee here!

Flea Treatment:

We do not treat the animals for fleas and ticks with Frontline or anything similar. This is one of those situations where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Frequent vacuuming (seal and throw out the vacuum contents after every vacuum!) and bedding washing can nip an infestation in the bud. Dawn dish soap kills fleas just as effectively as any chemical-filled shampoo; wash the dog every week at the first sign of a flea until you haven't seen a flea for four weeks. Diatomaceous earth sprinkled at doorways and window sills will help keep fleas out naturally.

Miscellaneous:

I use aspen chips and pellets for the bunny cage so that I can compost her waste; it also makes excellent mulch. Bunny waste is AWESOME for your garden; dog/cat waste is NOT. Carnivore waste spreads diseases. Throw it out.

What are some of your favorite ways to go dog(or cat or rabbit or bird or lizard)gone green?

Disclaimer: I'm not a vet or in any way licensed to give animal advice. I've just owned (and showed) dogs forever and small mammals almost that long. ^_^ Consult an actual expert regarding your own animal and its needs.

Disclaimer two: Obviously, this post was mostly just an excuse to picspam you with Fotos of the animalz. ;-)

I am a laundromat.

Not really, actually.

I do laundry maybe once a month (a bonus of not having kids yet). The DDH does small loads more frequently because he has a limited number of work appropriate shirts and a lower tolerance for re-wearing clothing than I do (this is, admittedly, the man who was raised to use a bath towel only once before washing it. He gave up this habit when he realized that I, unlike his mother, was not going to wash a giant load of towels twice a week), but I usually do a big laundry party weekend for my clothes and the towels/rags/napkins/sheets roughly once a month.

The beagle likes to keep the laundry warm for me while I fold it.

This weekend, I suspect, has been nominated as The Laundry Weekend, and I noticed that my laundry detergent supply was running low. It's time to make more, and, while I'm at it, thought I'd share the recipe.

Because as it turns out, laundry detergent is so ridiculously simple, fast, and cheap to make that I do not understand why people buy commmercial detergents. Srsly guyz. Have you seen the price for a box of Tide these days? That is not in my budget. Plus, even the not-particularly-keen-on-green DDH has sensitivities to the chemicals in that stuff. So! Without further ado:

You need:

*Borax

*Washing soda (this is not baking soda; it can be found on the laundry aisle of your grocery store and occasionally Walmart)

*Bar soap, such as Fels Naptha (laundry aisle) or Ivory (something plain, basically, is what you want, and white so it won't discolor your clothes)

*A food processor

*Something to store it in (I use the empty detergent bucket from the detergent I bought at Sam's Club before discovering this magical recipe)

Cut a bar or two of soap into chunks and process in the food processor until it is finely grated (I used to do this by hand until a friend told me she used her food processor--it's much safer for the fingers, heh).

Mix the grated soap with the Borax and washing soda in your container using a ratio of 2:1:1 soap: Borax: washing soda.

Use one Tablespoon for a full load of laundry. Less for smaller loads and, now that we have one of those energy-efficient washer things, I use a little less than a tablespoon for large loads, too.

THAT'S IT.

Seriously, the first time I made it and had to buy everything at once I think it came to less than $15 for a big thing of Borax, a big box of washing soda, and ten bars of Ivory soap. That lasted me a year and a half before I had to get more Borax and washing soda (I think I had to get more soap sooner). Admittedly, I already told you I don't do that much laundry. But call it twenty bucks for a year of two people's laundry is cheaper than commercial detergent any way you slice it, and with the food processor it takes less than ten minutes.

It works better than the cheapo stuff I was buying at Sam's before, and seems to work just as well as Tide or anything like that. In the winter when everything is colder, I use a little less and make sure the soap is really, really finely ground if I'm doing a cold-water load (which is most of them), because sometimes the soap wouldn't dissolve all the way and would leave little flakes on the clothes.

And! While we're on the topic, there's no need to use fabric softener, either. White vinegar does the job perfectly well. I pour some into the little fabric softener ball that came with my washing machine. This keeps all my clothes from being painfully stiff when I air dry them.

This site has some other detergent recipes, including liquid ones, if you're a die-hard liquid detergenter.

Try it! Let me know how it works.

Linked with Your Green Resource at SortaCrunchy.