Friday, May 18, 2012

I am hunting rabbits.

Hunting rabbits. See the tail?
My mind is aswirl with a million thoughts.

Like the dogs in the backyard, chasing a million rabbits that they'll never catch.*

But few of them are happy ones, and sharing would be whining.

What it comes down to is this: I'm doing too much of what I don't want to do and too little of what I do want to do.

But what it comes down to even more is this: I don't actually know what I want to do.

Or perhaps: I don't know how to do what I want to do.

And then there's this: I haven't showered in almost a week (which isn't too terribly unusual for me, actually) because sewage keeps backing up into our one and only shower.

I mean, Timothy showers every day and it's fine. It mostly only happens when it rains a lot or you run the dishwasher and washing machine at the same time or you run the washing machine more than once a day or for any other combination of reasons that involve the water and/or sewer pipes. But I just know that as soon as I'm standing there covered in shampoo, that's when it will choose to back up next.

And I will never, ever, ever get over the feeling of standing in sewage. So it's best to just not tempt fate.

Of course, there's also this: the dogs have dug under the fence and run away twice in the past week. Once they got more than a mile, across a very busy street. They are going to die because that idiot Labrador likes to dig holes and the moron beagle just tags along behind him.

And it's ridiculous how unloved that makes me feel. Like I'm not good enough for them, and they'd rather be anywhere else.

Then there's the fact that my car's making a funny noise. Or that I barfed Salisbury steak all over the back yard at lunch today and drove pale and shaking back to work clutching a bag of stale tortilla chips. That I've had a miserable sinus headache every day for a week. That a lady at the gym yesterday when I walked in said, "Oh my gosh, Katie, you're showing!" but I think it's just that I haven't been eating well or working out as hard and so I'm getting fat. That I'm whining to a bunch of strangers on the internet (and crying at work) because I don't have any real life friends to talk to.

But Critter had a nice strong heartbeat Wednesday (this maddening Critter that I already love so much that I'm miserable at the thought of abandoning it to daycare the way I know I'll have to).

The DDH's work life is going swimmingly and he seems to still mostly love me and bought me candy yesterday just because I said I wanted something sweet to eat.

We don't have enough money to fix the plumbing or the car but we have enough money to live so long as I keep plugging away at this miserable job that I hate. Even with the cost of daycare. Which was the depressing/comforting realization I came to yesterday after an afternoon spent crunching numbers: we can't survive on just the DDH's salary even if we cut out every extraneous expense. But with mine we can afford the nicest daycare (though maybe not also the gym). Assuming my boss doesn't fire me once he finds out I'm pregnant, of course.

The sun is shining and the weather's supposed to be beautiful this weekend.

I have one whole morning to myself tomorrow with nothing to do but the farmer's market and Zumba and I'm going to make the most of this oasis in the middle of an otherwise drainingly busy weekend.

And I guess for now that will have to be enough.

*Actually they did catch one, once. All that was left when we found Jayne slurping on it were three legs, a head, and a spine, all loosely attached by hollow, bloody, fluffy skin. You're welcome for the mental image. Nature red in tooth and claw....


  1. *hugs*

    *hugs and love*

    If I told you everything I empathize with in this post this comment would be as long as your post. I'm sorry things are a little crazy and you're feeling a bit depressed, but you don't need me to tell you it will pass and you will be absolutely fine. I'm sorry the numbers don't quite work out the way you wanted, and that it means you have to stay at a job that isn't your favorite :-( But you guys will figure it out. I'm sure of it.

    *more hugs* :-)

    1. Thanks, Jessi. I need lots and lots and lots of white space built into my schedule or I become anxious and depressed. And even knowing this about myself, I tend to build schedules with scribbles everywhere and very little white space left.

      Which doesn't invalidate my real disappointments and worries, but does make them seem worse than they are.

      Thank you thank you, and hugs back. ^_^

  2. It's okay to "complain." WAY better than holding every thing inside, you know?
    Wish I could hug you right now and take you out for dessert.
    I truly hope that the Zumba class and farmers market was refreshing...and that you keep getting little glimpses of sunshine to help you through this annoying time.

    1. Maybe! I was always told I whine and complain too much. I do tend to be a negative person, and if I give in to those thoughts too often rather than consciously cultivating positive ones, that's not good. But on the flip side, I also have to learn to acknowledge and validate very real disappointments. I don't know.

      That would be fun! Some day one of us will be in the other's neck of the woods and we'll make it happen. ^_^

      Zumba and the farmer's market were refreshing (and a self-esteem boost because one of the other Zumba ladies said I was so good at the moves that I should be the teacher ^_^). The dogs running away AGAIN was not. That lab has magical speedy hole-digging powers, I swear.