|Hunting rabbits. See the tail?|
Like the dogs in the backyard, chasing a million rabbits that they'll never catch.*
But few of them are happy ones, and sharing would be whining.
What it comes down to is this: I'm doing too much of what I don't want to do and too little of what I do want to do.
But what it comes down to even more is this: I don't actually know what I want to do.
Or perhaps: I don't know how to do what I want to do.
And then there's this: I haven't showered in almost a week (which isn't too terribly unusual for me, actually) because sewage keeps backing up into our one and only shower.
I mean, Timothy showers every day and it's fine. It mostly only happens when it rains a lot or you run the dishwasher and washing machine at the same time or you run the washing machine more than once a day or for any other combination of reasons that involve the water and/or sewer pipes. But I just know that as soon as I'm standing there covered in shampoo, that's when it will choose to back up next.
And I will never, ever, ever get over the feeling of standing in sewage. So it's best to just not tempt fate.
Of course, there's also this: the dogs have dug under the fence and run away twice in the past week. Once they got more than a mile, across a very busy street. They are going to die because that idiot Labrador likes to dig holes and the moron beagle just tags along behind him.
And it's ridiculous how unloved that makes me feel. Like I'm not good enough for them, and they'd rather be anywhere else.
Then there's the fact that my car's making a funny noise. Or that I barfed Salisbury steak all over the back yard at lunch today and drove pale and shaking back to work clutching a bag of stale tortilla chips. That I've had a miserable sinus headache every day for a week. That a lady at the gym yesterday when I walked in said, "Oh my gosh, Katie, you're showing!" but I think it's just that I haven't been eating well or working out as hard and so I'm getting fat. That I'm whining to a bunch of strangers on the internet (and crying at work) because I don't have any real life friends to talk to.
But Critter had a nice strong heartbeat Wednesday (this maddening Critter that I already love so much that I'm miserable at the thought of abandoning it to daycare the way I know I'll have to).
The DDH's work life is going swimmingly and he seems to still mostly love me and bought me candy yesterday just because I said I wanted something sweet to eat.
We don't have enough money to fix the plumbing or the car but we have enough money to live so long as I keep plugging away at this miserable job that I hate. Even with the cost of daycare. Which was the depressing/comforting realization I came to yesterday after an afternoon spent crunching numbers: we can't survive on just the DDH's salary even if we cut out every extraneous expense. But with mine we can afford the nicest daycare (though maybe not also the gym). Assuming my boss doesn't fire me once he finds out I'm pregnant, of course.
The sun is shining and the weather's supposed to be beautiful this weekend.
I have one whole morning to myself tomorrow with nothing to do but the farmer's market and Zumba and I'm going to make the most of this oasis in the middle of an otherwise drainingly busy weekend.
*Actually they did catch one, once. All that was left when we found Jayne slurping on it were three legs, a head, and a spine, all loosely attached by hollow, bloody, fluffy skin. You're welcome for the mental image. Nature red in tooth and claw....